THE NEW RULES

THE NEW RULES (I wrote this article originally around 2015*) 

Introduction

The following list is clearly not exhaustive (note that the word “exhausted” is up to be banned as the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome community has since raised a reasonable objection).

Please use this list not as the definitive edition, use it to further deduce what will be and won’t be allowed in the future. Employ your intuition.

 

Appearance

No longer shall anyone nominate anyone else as attractive. You may not think of any person as beautiful or ugly, fat or thin. Attractiveness is not real, it is a figment of one’s imagination. An imagination forged by the lies and brainwashing of mass marketing. You must know that every human is equally beautiful.

In fact, two comely people – based on the definition of comely by those ignorant past standards – who are a couple, may be openly shamed. Obviously they do not truly love or like each other, they simply began their coupling because of external appearances – they are to be shunned and made to end their relationship by any means necessary.

 

Phrases

The phrases “f*ck you” and “screw you” are banned as those are offensive to women who cannot have sex, men who cannot achieve erections, and of course, to the asexual community.

You may not say “sh*t” or “piss” as in “oh sh*t” or “piss off” for these are well-known trigger words for those who suffer from IBS and incontinence.

“Cock” and “pussy” are banned since research has shown that animals have enough cognitive powers to possibly understand that such nicknames are being used in vile and derogatory ways about them.

It is also important to note telling someone to “go f*ck themselves” is offensive to those with no hands. More yet, “take a hike” is banned because those without legs don’t like it, and the mountain committee found it offensive to hiking trails. “Up yours” is not allowed for those who had their ass blown off think it distasteful.

“Asshole” is also a banned curse as those with colectomy bags thought it wrong to denigrate something so useful. You are “full of shit” is likewise outlawed as the Constipated Society took offense.

“Go to hell” is also prohibited as it offends Satanists.

 

god

Religious phrases are especially offensive when capitalized. Do not capitalize god, jesus christ, his mother, or the christian religion. Other religions such as Buddhism, Islam, Hinduiusm, and so forth may be capitalized. We have urged all spell check software to take note under threat of righteous terrorism.

 

Children

You may no longer refer to children as children – they are “full persons” just like adults, able and capable of making decisions on their own – be they sexual, financial, physical, or educational decisions.

 

On Intelligence and Capability 

Calling your friend or a stranger a genius, or smart is not to be done. This assumes there is a difference among brains and their processing powers. This is evil.

Since there are no degrees of intelligence in reality Incest has been sanctioned. Relatedly, “motherf*cker” as an insult is banned as the Incest Civil Rights Organization has asked for it to be removed from our lexicon.

More yet, asking someone if they have read a certain book is likewise offensive. It is an elitist assumption that other people can read.

Further, no one is really “good” or “bad” at any activity. Everyone is at the exact same, excellent level. Therefore, in every game, everyone shall be given the same statistics. The game does not end until everyone has the exact same “all-star” stats. More yet, competition is an outlawed word, now there are only cooperations – as in, “I will see at the basketball cooperation this Sunday.”

 

Nationalities

Labeling someone from their country of origin will no longer be sanctioned – that is a castigation of the highest order. We simply refer to people of the world as “Globers” – but we are willing to terminate the use of this word if aliens are found and object to it. We will nominate the world Universers.

*I shortened the original and made a few light edits.

 

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